Why a mental health problem is a blessing in disguise
I didn’t believe my cousin at first when she told me this.
In 2017, I was diagnosed with Generalised Anxiety Disorder (GAD). I was 22, and so this wasn’t the start to my twenties I had expected.
It’s been hell at times and it’s held me back from so many of the “young person” things I should have been enjoying — going out with friends, dating, taking risks and throwing caution to the wind. Chronic worry about everything left me feeling physically ill.
But I’m glad I went through it, here’s why…
I know what true happiness is
Regular meditation and mindfulness practise formed the basis of my treatment and it helped me to develop almost a hyper-awareness of my physical and mental wellbeing.
As a result, I know what things makes me truly feel happy and content. I also accept that nobody is happy all of the time, no matter what their Instagram says.
Happiness is not selfishness. In fact, helping others makes me happy. Happiness has come from being grateful for the people and things around me. I have a much greater appreciation for the little things that can give me a boost – such as a really nice cup of tea, watching my favourite film or even just playing fetch with my dog.
It’s such a cliche, but when you’re truly happy, you’ve accepted yourself and the life you’re living. You’re not constantly comparing yourself to others or reaching for something that’s not really there.
Happiness is here and now with you. It’s not in the future or in the past. It’s not something you wait for, it’s something you choose to feel.
I’m more grateful
When you’re not ruminating over all of the negative things and “disasterising” every scenario, you soon begin to think more along the lines of “Okay, work might be stressful but it’s paying for that amazing trip I’ve booked”.
As a freelancer, work can be a constant source of worry and uncertainty — two of my worst enemies — so admittedly, I’m still learning how to work around uncertainty. But hey, I’m not perfect!
I spend my time more wisely
So, I used to have an obsession with making lists. It was a way of me feeling in control of uncertainty. I used to write lists of every single thing I needed to do that day — even take a shower?!! And if I didn’t complete it all I’d be a failure.
My Cognitive Behavioural Therapist (CBT) got me to write down how long I expected tasks to take and how much I had listed for myself to do in a day.
She made me realise that I was setting myself up for failure by putting too much on myself to do for the day and I was in fact just scheduling in a lot of time to worry.
Learning to manage my time realistically and I’ve myself a break has actually made me a much more productive person.
I know my warning signs
Once you’ve started to recover from anxiety and depression, you begin to realise how ill you were actually feeling.
It’s like when you go on a diet and you cut out sugar: you feel terrible at first but after a couple of weeks you realise that actually, all that sugar was making you feel sluggish and unhealthy. That’s how it felt for me when my anti-depressants started to work and I broke the cycle. I had time to put a distance between my anxious-self and my well-self.
Now I know what “normal” actually is for me. I recognise when I’m slipping and now I think “okay, something’s up, I’m not feeling great — what could it be? How can I change it?”.
I have a greater sense of independence and I can rely on myself, where-ever I am in the World, to help myself and that is really liberating!
I’ve learnt to say ‘no’
It’s something we’re all really bad at doing – mental health aside. I’m naturally a people-pleaser so I hate the thought of disappointing somebody if I say I don’t want to do something. But actually, it’s fine to say ‘no’ or to compromise every once in a while for the benefit of my wellbeing.
I can stick up for myself
Knowing when I need to stop and think of myself has helped me to be more assertive and protective of myself.
It doesn’t mean being rude, but I’m no longer letting people walk all over me for the sake of an easy life, because it wasn’t making life easy for me in the long-term.
I have a greater awareness of my mind and body
I’ve spoken about this briefly throughout this article, but I cannot stress enough the benefits of being aware of your mind and body.
Meditating trains your brain to sit with unpleasant feelings like anxiety — not ignore them and not buy into them — but sit with them.
I’ve learnt that I can carry on despite feeling anxious, I don’t have to let it control me.
I’m better at decision making
With anxiety no longer clouding my judgement I’m much better at making rational decisions at work and in my social life.
I think things through and make decisions based on facts rather than what’s going to be less anxiety-inducing for me.
As a journalist, you can’t really let something phase you (unless of course you’re being sent to a war zone when you’re well within your right to feel anxious!!), so learning to make rational decisions and step out of my comfort zone for the benefit of the audience makes me able to do my job.
I know who I am and nobody is going to change that
I know what true happiness is and that’s accepting who I am and only trying to be the best “me”.
Paying less attention to social media has played a huge part in this and surrounding myself with real people who have a healthy outlook on themselves has rubbed off on me.
The person I am now is somebody I’ve been waiting to meet for a long time!
I’ve found love
Leading on from the last point, knowing who I truly am means I’ve found some-one who accepts and loves me for it.
Finding love also means understanding what a real relationship is. This isn’t exclusively linked to anxiety, but for me it was.
Having a much more rational outlook on life has taught me that real relationships have bumps in the road, there’ll be things you don’t like about your partner and things you love. You won’t agree on everything. They’ll cause you to feel anxiety, upset and worry as well as all the good stuff.
Why has it taken a mental health issue for me to realise these things?
We’ve all heard the saying “if it isn’t broken, don’t try to fix it”? Well, the same applies to our mental health.
Until we reach a crisis point, we don’t try to change our ways and check in with ourselves. Nor do we know how and it’s wrong.
It seems unheard of to meditate if you don’t have a mental health problem, but it’s something that brought me great self-awareness and control over my thoughts.
What’re your thoughts?
Have you experienced a mental health issue? Are you glad you’ve been through it? What have you learnt from your experience?
Comment below!
